I'm jumping right back into it, as I've had many calls about the enjoyment of the previous post.
Crazy Neck Brace ladyThe first stop we made on the trip was Princess Cay island in the Bahamas. Princess Cruises actually owns the island, and it's a big beautiful beach with tons of lounge chairs, umbrellas, hammocks and picnic tables. All the cruise lines stop here and pay Princess some kind of fee. You can rent scuba stuff, or those huge tricycle things with the big tires that you ride on the water, and little sailboats. They come around taking drink orders, and there is a huge BBQ for everyone. It's pretty much the best it gets-laying in a hammock on a beach with a pina colada and some BBQ chicken - just heaven.
One of Regents other ships, the Seven Seas Voyager, was also there for the day. They were on their way back to Ft. Lauderdale after their 45 day Panama Canal cruise. Ak, myself, Pinky & John were walking to get some food, and ran into friends of theirs from the other ship. At first I thought it was the sun or my eyes, but I knew something was up with their hair. Both were like 5 foot tall, frosted blondes, late 50's, loud, possibly dykes, and both had a single huge streak of color on the right sides of their heads-dark green and dark blue. Not pretty or cool - just really weird. Well the one chick has a neck brace on, so of course Pinky tells her that I just had surgery, so we end up in a conversation, or rather, she just talked at me. She was like a New Yorker-all fast, and I couldn't get a word in at all. Apparantly, she got a bad rep on their ship for pulling out the neck brace for the best seats on the bus tours, boat rides, and so forth. She took her sweaty brace off and shoved it in my face, saying "people don't understand how how and nasty these things get". At this point, ak took off in the opposite direction. I didn't see him for the next 30 minutes. Next, this is what she tells me, "At least you've got your big scar to prove you've got something wrong. Everyone thinks I'm faking it." I really had no response, so I tuned her out, and then we finally reached the buffet line. She gives me her card, and tells me to email her with my doctor's name. I put it in my bag and forgot about it. Well, I just pulled the card out, and as it turns out, she is a certified crystal analyzer and some kind of iguana specialist. Too much.
Oh, so I forgot to tell you about my outfit that day. I had on my black bathing suit, black capris, a long sleeved white blouse buttoned to the neck, and a huge brown straw hat on, and I stayed in the shade. ak said I looked like a vato - a latino immigrant farmer from one of the artichoke farms around here.
high seasAs we were boarding the ship, I did think about it being hurricane season, but immeditely put it out of my mind. We had fantastic weather at sea and at each of the ports. It did rain one time during the cruise - a sun shower for 20 minutes in Grand Turk, but several nights we experienced very high and rough seas, 8-20 feet. You move back and forth in bed, and it does cause for some calamity as you are walking anywhere on the ship. Since everyone completely boozes it up, cronies are tripping and lurching left and right. The ones with canes and walkers are all set, but the others are always like - "oh, I don't have my sea legs yet", or "wow, we're really moving". It doesn't work at 10am and smooth seas, though. There are times you just have to admit you're bombed and you can't walk worth a shit, ship or no ship.
There were 4 people with Scamp scooters aboard, and they were just rude. It was like they had their own biker's club, the "Fossil Riders" or something. They should have had matching windbreakers. I found myself having to jump back in the hallways a few times as not to get clipped by a Rider. The only time us walkers had vengence was watching the Riders trying to get in and out to play in the smallish casino. We witnessed 30 to 80 point turns going on. We actually had a new odds game going at the bar, taking bets on who could get to the Black Jack or Craps tables first, and so on. Everywhere we went, we saw them, too, both on and off the boat. All of a sudden you would be in a cab at a light somewhere, and you'd look out the window, and there would be the Riders cruising by. All we could think about was another Seinfeld episode, where George has a scooter and gets chased by the old folks on their scooters. We were trying to figure out how to get them to re-enact that scene on the pool deck.
You know I'll be in a scooter one day just for writng the above.
NYEThe big night was great - black tie, delicious dinner, champagne flowing like water, and hanging out on the pool deck. It was all decorated, band playing, people dancing everywhere, and the pool was filled with balloons. Each of the balloons had a wish in it - we all got a piece of paper that they collected and put into the balloons. They let them go at the stroke of midnight, and it was gorgeous to watch them float up into the sky. It was pitch black out, all the stars were out, and the boat was lit up like a chandelier. Off in the distance, you could see 3 other cruise ships, totally lit up like we were.
Our group was on the dance floor, then doing a huge conga line, just hooting and hollering. At one point, ak and I were getting our boogie on - he was looking super-fine in his tux. I must say I looked foxy myself. He also resembled our captain a bit. Our captain was this Italian named Fabrizzio, and he had Axel's same type of body frame, only a bit taller, with darker hair and eyes. They both had the same longish hair going, and rough beards. We are used to the Viking-looking captains, with names like Erik, Klaus or Helmut. Picture the guy in the Titanic movie-big belly and white hair, Santa-like. Anyway, this crew chick (cute & young) totally busts in on our dance, grabs ak by the hands and kisses him on both cheeks, and says "Happy New Year, Capitan" in this sexy accent, shakes her ass a bit, then walks away. She was lucky she walked because I was about to cut her. ak was all up on himself, feeling all good...we are still having some good laughs about that. The funniest thing was that the real captain was on the balcony right above us watching the whole party. We were wondering when she figured out it wasn't him. Maybe she never did. She was one of the nail girls, so maybe being engulfed in acetone all day has affected her eyesight and brain size.
The entertainment on the ship as a whole went up and down, mostly down. The cruise is geared towards the elder age group, so most nights we skipped the show, hit the casino, then met up later at one of the bars. NYE was no exception. The live band at times was good, but more often than not they were like a bad SNL skit, like that married couple that sings together at the school dances. Finally, their set ended, and we headed up to the Navigator Lounge for further drinking and merriment. Upon our arrival, ak and I decide that tequila shots are in order. We head to the bar and check out what they have, and pick our poison. Next thing you know, here come a couple of the old guys from our group, and they want to do shots with us, too. We tried to warn against this, but they were undeterred. 8 shots were lined up. Within 10 minutes of downing the shots, three of them were gone - back to their cabin. One was on the dance floor gyrating like a man possesed. His wife is usually the one who dances every dance, but she had this crazy dress on that night - it was all sequins patterned like flames, and went from yellow to orange to red to black. Very Vegas showgirl, but no exposed flesh. Well, she busted out the lower back of her dress earlier in the evening, so she walked with her back against the walls all night, or with us in front of her and behind her. She was tanked, and at one point, ak and I had to help her to the ladies room. He got a flash of her panties in the back during a lurch, and burned his eyes. He just kept repeated " Why did I just see her big 'ole nude granny panties?" We headed right back to the bar for some additional shots so ak could push that image to the far regions of his mind. Thinking back, I wish we had a video recording of this stuff that night, or maybe not.
They had all kinds of snacks going, so I was all drunk-starving and grabbed some goodies. There was a DJ and decent music going, so ak and I hit the floor to some Madonna. All of a sudden he's like "Damn!" and starts looking around at the other dancers. "Someone smells like fish. Bad!" Well, it was me - I had eaten this tiny tuna fish croissant, and my breath
reeked. When I told him it was me, I had to hold my hand over my mouth, and then we were just hysterical, still on the dance floor. I couldn't find an Altoid, piece of gum, or anything from anyone, so I did another shot. Booze kills the germs, right?
the gigilosOn these cruises, they usually have 2 "gentlemen" travellers who are hired to "entertain" the single ladies at the dances, chat with them at cocktails, etc., and their cruise is paid for. We all know that men die first, it's just a fact of life, so these dudes were in
high demand every night. My favorite gigilo was Heinz - German, accent going, about 6'5", and like 76, little round glasses and a great set of blazing white dentures. He was an amazing dancer, and on NYE I was all buzzed up doing the Paso Doble with him, whipping my head around, then waltzing, feeling no pain. (I was TOTALLY hurting the next day, but it was worth it). The other gigilo was Mikal, this Russian guy who was short and stocky, and looked like a stone-cold killer. He scared me! The first morning when I walked around the ship, I turned the corner and he was sitting there at a table totally looking at me. I'm all thinking that he's some kind of Cold War leftover and I interupted him doing some spy mission, so he's going to push me overboard. I admit I watch way too much James Bond, and have an overactive imagination.
We really tried to get Barbara together with Heinz, or rather, I did. ak feaks out thinking about his mom "taking up" with someone. I thought they were a perfect match, but she said he had bad breath and that "old man" smell. Oh well.
rocky rideWhen we finally did get to St. Barth's, we had a great time. 15 of us went to Nikki Beach and just ate and drank white wine by the edge of the sea for most of the day. Truly paradise. We then went back into town and did some shopping before getting on one of the tenders back to the ship. The sea was really choppy that day, so the ride back to the ship was very up and down and rough. There are not enough windows, so it is hot as balls sitting with about 20 others, and ak and I happened to sit by one of the deisel exhausts. It seemed to be taking forever to get back, and ak looked green from the fumes. Finally, we're back at the ship, and the tender driver just sucked at getting us lined up to rope us up and get us back aboard. He hit the side of the ship twice, and ak yells "dude, I could do better when I was 10 years old". After several attempts due to the waves, they tied the ropes, and we started to get off. Because of the waves, they had to provide assitance for every senior. ak managed to get out before me, but I heard him tell the driver how "lousy he was at controling the boat" as he got off. I finally get up there, and the two guys on the ship were holding my arms while I am still on the tender, and they almost dropped me when a wave came by, so my boy went off Philly-style, telling them "he'd kill each and every one of them if they hurt me". These guys kind of snapped to it and tightened their grips on me. Well, I got off safely, we went back to the room, cranked the A/C and took restorative naps. My poor honey has seen me through so much this year, and he is totally protective of me. I love my body guard :)
new local friendsAnother cool couple that we met were actually from San francisco - Ken & Susan. Or should I say they have a house in San Fran, one in West Palm, FL, an apartment in Paris, and they rent a house in St. Barth's every winter. Someone else in our group had first met them, and brought them to dinner one night- it was a good call. Susan is one of the most beautiful older women I have ever met. Total white hair, cute bob, classy boutique-style clothing, and different eyglasses for every outfit, & perfect make-up. Ken is adorable, and another one that could fit right into the pocketbook. Also a great dresser, total Ralph Lauren style with George Hamilton tan, bright pink ties, orange ties. Here's the thing - he was like 4 1/2 feet tall. They worked out in the morning, too, and one AM we were stretching together she told me that Ken has lost 6 inches of height in his ankles due to a degerative bone disease, and that he is in pain constantly. You wouldn't know it to meet him, and he was interesting, and the kind of guy that kissed your hand. If any of you are at all familiar with the animated series King of the Hill, you may know Hank's father Cotton lost his shins in the Korean War,and is really short. We renamed Ken "Cotton Hill" of course, but out of respect, not foolery. We hope to get together with them in a few months. They are very familiar with our town, and want to meet us for dinner at the awesome Greek place downtown Los Gatos.
Ok, that's all I can do for now.
Peace out peeps :)
Last night, I remembered one final cruise tale, and it concerns our travelling companion, Pooh.